Looking for love? You’ve already got it, says Forest Hill love psychologist Nancy Elliot in her new book Single Girls Rehab. The psychotherapist, coach and author teaches people how to heal, harness self love and attract the partner of their dreams.
With over 10 years’ experience working with single women and listening to their relationship struggles, Nancy noticed that while every woman and her story was different, they all had one thing in common: they had childhood experiences that made them afraid to trust their worth and have the confidence to claim the healthy love they deserve. Without help these women might stay stuck. They cannot change these limiting beliefs alone.
“Many of us are failing at love because we do not understand ourselves, our triggers plus the baggage we are bringing to the table,” Nancy says. “We are depending on our partners to give us love, joy, purpose and validation, when we do not know how to give these things to ourselves.
“I hope to challenge assumptions about relationships by creating a paradigm shift around how we seek, perceive and understand each other, and love in this context. When it comes to love and relationships, it all starts with how your feel about yourself. It’s not just how you feel about the other person. That’s partly where we are going wrong.”
True love should be sacred, redemptive and healing for the individuals, Nancy says. It shouldn’t be filled with insecurity, strife and worry.
“Self love, self awareness and emotional intelligence are the keys to a successful relationship. Without them our relationships are likely to be messy and confusing for all involved.”
Starting her career as a runner working on film sets, the 49-year-old has worked for Ridley Scott during the making of films like Gladiator and Spy Game before going on to work for Working Title for six years and getting a Masters in screenwriting. An endless fascination with the hero’s journey has led Nancy to the work she does now.
The coach very much learned first hand what she now teaches, after going through her own dark night of the soul. “As a little girl, I had so much fear. I always saw myself as the girl who wasn’t chosen. I felt my dad didn’t choose me; he wasn’t coming home to me because he was out having affairs. I internalised that and tried to make myself loveable; I became the ‘good’ girl who had to be the smartest, the best, the most compliant,” she says.
“At 21, I had no tools when it came to relationships. I was constantly getting my heart broken and consistently running away from love. I followed the example modelled to me by my parents’ relationship: my dad’s infidelity and my mum’s long suffering. They did a wonderful job with what they had and I love them so much, but they were not emotionally equipped for relationships.
“Healing is not about blame,” Nancy continues. “It’s about looking at what you’re left with and how you make this work best for you. I’m so fascinated by the unconscious.”
The psychotherapist believes we need to look at love as a skill that we must learn. “Love comes from this organic, spiritual place so we assume it just happens naturally and you just think you’ll know what to do. We get so shocked when we discover that’s not true,” Nancy says. “As a therapist it’s always been about tracking back to understanding where we are today.”
In her coaching, Nancy helps clients identify and visualise a desirable future and then work backwards to achieve it (as opposed to traditional psychotherapy which starts from the past and works towards the present).
“I do therapy differently,” she admits. “I’ll take a bit of everything that’s out there. Psychoanalysis originated in Europe, but there are so many modes of healing the psyche from all over the world. Especially ancient tribes and cultures that have profound wisdom on healing trauma and human hurts. I am open to a mix of different cultures and experiences to help inform the way I work. Therapy is not one size fits all. You’ve got to be resourceful to make it magical and transformative for the client.
“Traditional psychotherapy traces back to the childhood to find healing for the patient. Today we have learned from other cultures such as indigenous South American and African tribes, that it’s not as helpful as we once thought to keep going back and analysing the past; we can actually re-traumatise ourselves that way.
“We don’t want to surgically remove your humanness. I’m here to say there’s nothing wrong with you! It’s just these consolidations from childhood that remain inside and need dissolving by using embodiment practices, such as mindfulness, meditation even prayer!” Nancy continues. “Are you finding a way to honour what you want and are you not hurting others? That’s really all you have to do.
“You’re a co-creator with the universe and that’s how we can use the Law of Attraction and intuition because you’re going to have a future that’s unlike anything you’ve had before, so it doesn’t help you to work from the past,” Nancy says.
“Our journey is never ending but it doesn’t have to take 100 years! You can learn. Once your light of self awareness gets switched on the universe will guide you. We’re all on a spiritual journey towards deepening our self love, healing and wholeness. We do all of this to improve the relationship we have with ourselves and others! Today I’m conscious and I’m so alive and empowered and you can be too. Humans can do anything.
“One thing I know for sure?” Nancy says. “If you do not address your childhood traumas, your romantic relationships will!”
Single Girls Rehab is out now.
For more information on Nancy’s private coaching or 12 week programme,
visit: www.nancyelliottcoaching.com
http://linkedin.com/in/lovepsychologist
To book a call with Nancy visit:
https://calendly.com/nancyelliottcoaching/nancy-elliott
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