‘Eighty minutes of Binfaced wonderment!’
The universe’s favourite politician, Count Binface, the Recyclon from Sigma IX, is back on our planet as he’s set to embark on a national tour this autumn to save us all from imminent disaster with his Make Earth Great Again! (MEGA) plans, writes Michael Holland.
Leading up to this world-beating event, this Intergalactic Space Warrior took on bloviating buffoon Boris Johnson in 2019; this year snatched thousands of votes from Prime Minister Sunak in his own constituency while simultaneously thrashing the fascists of Britain First; and whose presence in the capital’s Mayoral Election got him 24,260 votes that helped see off other rabble to get Sadiq Khan firmly ensconced at City Hall once again.
Our intrepid hero is now giving interviews from his Space Station studio somewhere in a galaxy far, far away to discuss a new battle when he faces his adoring public.
What brought you down to earth?
‘I picked up strange signals in 2017 about a Theresa May “detonating her own majority” in Maidenhead so I thought I’d take her on and the rest is intergalactic history’.
How is earth and its people treating you?
‘I’ve been bowled over with how you earthlings have taken on this Recyclon from another planet; maybe it’s a sign that you need something fresh… I was supposed to be the “novelty exotic candidate’’ but I’ve stood against Laurence Fox, Piers Corbyn and an American who admitted to drinking his own urine, so I’m the sane one, not the novelty! People look at my policies and say, “Actually, he’s a force for good.”
Count Binface admits that he might be considered a novelty for having ‘a bin for a face’ but found that humans can see beyond what people look like.
Since his arrival on Planet Earth and his entry into politics, Count Binface has garnered a lot of support for his popular manifesto: Nationalising Adele, free broadband for all, no sales of arms to repressive regimes, all croissants to be priced at £1, make Piers Morgan zero emissions by 2030, voting age brought down to 16, give £1 trillion a week to the NHS, prorogue Jacob Rees Mogg, London to join the EU, ban loud snacks from theatres, speakerphones in public and VAR from football, Thames Water managers to swim in the Thames, 99s to cost 99p and National Service for former Prime Ministers.
A very attractive list of policies, I told him.
Has your manifesto changed?
‘I intended to price-cap croissants to £1 but after Liz Truss destroyed your economy I have had to add 10% to my calculations and make them £1.10 – I’m not an idiot, I can’t have the croissant producers losing money, can I?’
What has given you the greatest pleasure in your political career?
‘Beating the fascists, speaking at Glastonbury and this comedy tour coming up is also very exciting… The tour is is my moral victory after 2024 being the biggest year for democracy, for my two elections, and for me to get to meet the people of this great nation so I can fine-tune my policies for 2028 when I take on Keir.
And what about the House of Lords?
‘Well, I’m going to abolish those f**kers! What have they done? Baron Botham! Baroness Charlotte Owen! Where’s she come from?’ he asks conspiratorially, and I had no response to the question all decent people want answered.
What have you got lined up for audiences to enjoy at the shows?
‘I’m calling it the “Finest Sci-fi satire this side of the restaurant at the end off the universe”, begins the count. ‘Audiences will find out what’s gone wrong with your planet and how I’m going to fix it; it will be a multimedia extravaganza, 80 minutes of Binfaced wonderment!’
Finding myself unduly impressed with Count Binface I told him that I was looking forward to seeing his appearance at Fairfield Halls, which seemed to make him happy: ‘Oh yes, Croydon, now we’re talking; what a place that is! The jewel in the crown of, er, Croydon. I can’t wait to see the Wellesley Road, the Underpass, Castello’s Fish Bar in South Croydon… I know it very, very well and it will be a lifetime’s ambition achieved for this Space Warrior to set boots in the Fairfield Hall and meet the great people of Croydon.’
And what have you got planned after the tour?
‘The tour ends just before the U.S. election so I’m keeping my diary clear in case they need me to go over and clean it up a bit.’
Who would you like to be up against over there?
‘Well, Trump with a laser, as he wouldn’t last very long… Trump versus Binface, who wins that?’
I told the Count that I made him favourite in that battle.
And then, in a flash, he was beamed back up to, I suspect, Sigma IX where he can prepare for the tour that kicks off on September 12th.
His London dates are at The Pleasance Theatre(11th October & 3rd December), and Fairfield Halls (19th October)
Full Tour Listings, tickets and more information: https://www.countbinface.com/tour
